If the title of this post annoys you, don’t worry. It’s 100% sarcastic…but I should have just let you figure that out yourself. One could say that I’ve been somewhat moody today. Jason would say more than that.

Since we arrived here on a work conference vacation, all I’ve wanted to do was spend a nice relaxing day on the beach. After today I feel that I am quite experienced in that arena, so I would like to share with you how to be sure you make the most of your perfect day at the beach.

First, make sure you mysteriously tear the only pair of contact lenses you brought with you so that you are completely blind and unable to drive for the remainder of your trip. Make sure you have a husband with you who refuses to listen to driving directions likes to take the very scenic route everywhere so that it takes you half an hour to get to the beach of your choice that was only five minutes away.

Enjoy some of nature’s stranger displays, like beached trees.

You may realize that this particular beach is a little creepy? unsettling? unusual, but stick around anyways.

Wave at the horseback riding tour that goes by as they look at you like you’re insane awesome for taking so many pictures of them.

Next, about 5 minutes after arriving on said beach, you should probably notice those ominous storm clouds brewing right over your head nearby.

You can probably guess what you do next. Get downpoured on. I’m talking soaked through to your underwear poured on (tmi?). Your husband should probably help shield you and your fresh hairdo from the rain, but instead he will yell “The CAMERA! Put it in the case NOW, IT CAN’T GET WET!!!”

Then sit in agry, wet silence once you reach the car. This is key to making the day perfect. Explain to your husband that you want to go eat dinner because you’re hungry. When your husband decides the rain is not going to let up and drives you back to the hotel, be super stubborn and just sit in the car when he goes into the room. There’s no way you should admit the fact that the fabulous beach day is over, and you’re hungry.

It will be an hour before he comes back to the car to see why the heck you never came inside, but it’s totally ok because you will obviously waste everyone’s time make your point. When you finally arrive at your dinner destination, make sure it’s a place with a 45 minute wait. You wouldn’t want to miss starving to death all of the great people watching you can do while you wait. When you are seated and look at the menu, you may be tempted to get a salad. You want to be healthy. But this day will just be one long string of bad luck so great that you HAVE to drown your sorrows top it off with whatever your heart desires on the menu.

wheat roll, pumpkin bread, jalepeno cornbread

coconut shrimp

fried fish fillet, crab cake

dirty rice

green bean casserole

This food will make you feel like brand new. Greasy and uncomfortably full, but somehow still brand new. You will re-realize why it is that you take pictures of what you eat and write about it, and why you spend hours a day reading about other people doing the same. Food is magical, there’s really nothing else in the world that can do just what food can. And since you’ll be feeling good, might as well keep the good feelings comin’ with some ice cream. You are lactose intolerant and will really regret it deserve it.

Almond toffee ice cream @ Zuzu’s

And when you are blogging late that evening, you might as well confess to your readers that you and your husband have been eating ice cream pretty much non-stop for the past few days.

sugar cone with dark chocolate scoops @ Moo Cow Ice Cream

a cup of coconut @ Moo Cow Ice Cream

cup of chocolate peanut butter cup @ St. Simons Sweets

cup of cinnamon @ St. Simons Sweets

You probably don’t want to tell them that there was even more ice cream but you just couldn’t bring yourself to take pictures.

Well I hope that gives you some good tips about how to enjoy a perfect day at the beach that you’ve been wanting all year. I promise I’m not in quite as bad a mood as this post is probably making it seem. Let’s hope I can skip the ice cream tomorrow…I can still feel the sugar coursing through my veins.

Thanks for listening to my crazy woman rant reading!

-Lauren